12 Politically Correct Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of...

Why All Santa’s Reindeer Are Girls

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the...

Rudolph Got Run Over By My Grandma

CHORUS Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma just as he arrived on Christmas Day She had gotten sick and tired of hearin’ that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh. She’d been listening to the radio and she nearly lost her breath yellin’ cuss words at the DJ for playin’ that song...

How to Tell if You’re a Grinch

Test to see if you are a Grinch: 1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points). 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)....

Christmas Contention

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken. One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas...

Why the Angel is on the Top of the Tree

Not long ago and not far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems every where. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys and were threatening to go on strike....